Ultimate beach battle
by JammyWammy
Summary: Before Dissidia, there was Ehrgeiz: God bless the ring, the 3D fighting game on PS1 featuring Cloud and Tifa, and also unlock Yuffie, Vincent, Sephiroth and Zack. There was a battle beach race mini game feature in it and it was pretty hilarious specially when you use Vincent or Sephiroth. This is my comedic representation of the said beach race. A bit of CloudxTifa.
1. Chapter 1

I got this idea when I remembered the fighting game I was playing years back in PS1, _Ehrgeiz: God bless the ring_ by Squaresoft (now know as Square-enix) where Cloud and Tifa are the only FFVII characters available, you need to unlock Yuffie, Vincent, Sephiroth and Zack. There was a beach race mini game included in the there where I would always use Sephiroth and purposely trip him on the obstacles to make him look bad and uncool (How evil is that? Mwahaha). Anyway, here is how I imagined the beach race happening.

 **I don't own FFVII or Ehrgeiz.**

Ahhh... The beach. It was a totally perfect day for it. The heroes (and anti-hero), are all gathered together, doing their warm ups and stretching to get ready for their biggest challenge of the day.

"I'm going to tear you apart." Yuffie threatened menacingly at Zack, who just cackled while he did his squats. Cloud and Sephiroth glared at each other while the latter was doing jumping jacks, a rather uncharacteristic activity for the general, it was so awkward that everyone pretended not to notice his strange warm up session, except for Zack of course, simply because he is Zack.

"I could never do jumping jacks and still look majestic as fuck." He said as he picked his nose.

Meanwhile, Tifa and Vincent are just being civil at each other, nodding their heads on each other's direction.

"Let's have a friendly fight." Tifa held up her hand while Vincent hesitantly shook it.

Let the games begin.

 **Tifa VS Vincent**

Tifa positioned herself at the starting line along with Vincent, who was standing there with his arms crossed in front of him, his torn cape flowing majestically even if there was no wind.

"I wonder if he has an invisible fan in front of him or something." Zack said as he munch on some peanuts beside a bored looking Sephiroth, everyone were seated at the side of the track to watch.

Their challenge was simple, first to go to the finish line will be the winner. Simple as that. Tifa stretched one last time before doing a running stance, while Vincent just stood still.

When the whistle was blown, Tifa was first to sprint forward with Vincent running behind her, he looked really weird when he ran, his arms are flat in either side of him with his upper body bending forward, it made the spectators stare at him with perflexed looks on their faces.

Vincent was focused on the path straight ahead, then he decided to look at his left to check on Tifa.

Big mistake

His eyes widened in an alarming rate behind his bangs and red scarf, when he saw Tifa's chest bouncing away while she ran gracefully, he lost his focus that he didn't see the rock below, he tripped and he fell over, hot sand entering his mouth and eyes. He used all his will power to prevent himself from screaming from the pain of it all and humiliating himself. Tifa on the other hand couldn't help but look over her shoulder when she saw on the corner of her eye that Vincent fell, after all, he was the last person to fall over like that. Wrong move for her, she tripped on her own feet which made her fall over as well, her ankle twisted and it hurt pretty badly.

"No! Nooooo!" She yelled while she reached her hand forward towards the finish line, her vision already blurring.

"Tifa!" Cloud yelled and suddenly, he dove forward towards her, his face landing on her buttocks. "Don't do it! You'll hurt yourself more!" He yelled again as he gripped her hips, his face sideways on her behind, and he was enjoying it. Tifa used her strength to move forward using her arms, dragging Cloud along with her who continued to yell 'Don't do it!' As she went along. Yuffie on the other hand was standing beside the fallen Vincent, yelling and screaming insults and encouragements.

"What are you doing?! This is soooo not you! Do you know how ridiculous you look right now?!"

"I do know, thank you very much." The fallen gunslinger responded in his usual monotone.

"Then what are you still doing down there?! Stand up!" She exclaimed while she jumped up and down causing more scorching sand to enter Vincent's eyes. His will power had failed him for he screamed in complete agony from it all.

Zack was now standing up, his hands in his hips while he nodded his head in approval, clearly enjoying the show. Sephiroth on the other hand had been face palming all throughout.

 _Such a pathetic sight, no wonder mother wanted to destroy the planet._ He thought with a sigh.

Tifa continued her journey to the end of the tunnel(she was already hallucinating) while she still dragged Cloud along, and after a while, she passed out from the pressure, suffocation and pain of her ankle, an arm outstretched towards the finish line.

Vincent stared ahead, like Tifa, he was still lying on his stomach, trying to blink away all the sand, the white part of his eyes were already as red as his eye color. And being a half Vampire, he could only take so much sunlight and passed out not long after Tifa. Yuffie knelt down beside him with her face looking up in the heavens as she voiced her anguish over her fallen comrade.

Zack whistled using his fingers then clapped his hands enthusiastically while he cheered, Sephiroth on the other hand stared at them in disappointment.

 _I've never seen a more disgusting display in my entire special existence..._

 **Tifa VS Vincent.**

 **DRAW**

A/N: lol. Yuffie and Zack are on the next chapter. Thanks for reading. :p


	2. Chapter 2

Tifa and Vincent both lay on beach towels under a parasol after their unfortunate (and humiliating) match. Cloud sat beside Tifa on a chair while Sephiroth sat a little further away from them to make it look like that he had nothing to do with them. He kept sighing every now and then.

 _Why am I even here... I should be reading 'Love beyond borders' while I drink that luxurious pink lemonade down in the lifestream. The last chapter has filled me with exciteme-_ His thoughts were cut off when Zack started yelling on the start of the track.

"WOO! WOO WOO!" He yelled while he rapidly jogged in place. Yuffie sneered at him.

"Oh will you shut up?! You're irritating me!" She spat while she waved her hands in the air. Zack stopped jogging then threw his head back to laugh.

"Why are you soooo worked up? Are you that nervous of losing that you're taking it out on me? Or it is because you worry about your little blood sucker boyfriend th-"

"He's not my boyfriend." She said with a pout. "And he's not a blood sucker!" _Well if he was, he can suck my blood all he want. Fufufufufu_. Her face changed into a perverted look while she giggled behind her fingers. Zack raised an eyebrow at her.

"Such idiots... Really..." Sephiroth unconsciously said what was in his mind out loud. They all looked at his direction.

"You say somethin' General?" Zack asked. Sephiroth smiled in a fake and sarcastic way.

"No no, nothing at all." He said. Zack looked back ahead to do a running stance, Yuffie did the same.

 **Zack VS Yuffie**

"You'll pay for making fun of me." Yuffie said angrily at a cackling Zack. Their challenge are a bit different from Tifa and Vincent's, first one to reach the finish line will win, but logs were placed on the sand and they have to jump over it until the end.

The whistle was blown and they both started to run. Zack yelled while he did which was distracting Yuffie all the way.

"WOO! WOOO! WOOOO!" His screams were getting longer and louder by each jump on the logs.

"SHUT UP!" Yuffie screamed on top of her lungs which made Vincent bolt up from where he was lying down, unconscious.

"No daddy! I'm INNOCENT!" He yelled then he fell back again, his eyes half open then he started to snore. Cloud stared at him, his face full of shock.

 _How embarrassing..._ He thought while he slowly looked away. Wanting to erase the memory of the stoic and mysterious gunslinger whining in his sleep. Sephiroth didn't even bother look surprised, he just stared ahead with his eyes all hollow like his soul was sucked out of him.

 _You must be so proud Grimoire Valentine..._ He was embarassed for Vincent's father. Yuffie was so surprised by Vincent that she missed a log and tripped on it, she started rolling forward uncontrollably then hit her head on the next log, her buttockcs up in the air on an awkward position while she was unconscious. Cloud raised his eyebrows while Sephiroth rolled his eyes. Zack stopped on his tracks to look at his opponent.

"Uuhhh..." He wasn't sure if he should continue when she was unconscious. 'Protect SOLDIER honor' was his motto after all, even if the race didn't have anything to with SOLDIER. He started to approach her while he called.

"Yuffie?" He poked her head. "Yuffiiieeee." He shook her head with his palm.

"Zack, I don't think you sho-" Cloud said but he was cut off.

"Yuffie! Get up!" He started to shake her harder, and suddenly, she bolted up while she yelled, her hands found their way in Zack's throat and started to strangled him, shaking him in the process which emitted an 'ayayayayaya' sound from him. Cloud face palmed. Everyone in their rebel group AVALANCHE knows that when Yuffie was asleep, nobody should wake her up or this will happen, he knows for it happened to him once. Never again. Meanwhile, Sephiroth was already losing his patience.

 _This is a waste of my precious time._ Then he looked over at Cloud then smirked menacingly. _But I do have a score to settle with... Cloud..._ He thought sinisterly while he slowly nodded his head then looked way again.

Yuffie screamed as he continued her assault against Zack who was gasping desperately for air.

"Fu-u-ack! Yuf-fie!" He inhaled loudly. "Let me-" He gasped. "Go..." His eyes rolled on the back of his head then collapsed. Yuffie let go of him and was suddenly out of her daze then looked down at Zack, whose mouth was half open with some drool coming out on the corner of it. She gasped.

"Oh no!" She held her hands on the sides of her head. The she poked him, she saw him breathing which made her worried expression change into a sinister smile. "Oh yes." Then she bolted up and started to sprint and jump on the remaining logs before she reached the finish line. She did her victory dance when she did which made Cloud stare at her with a blank look while Sephiroth rested his eyes on his knuckles.

"Take that SOLDIER boy!" She guffawed while she jumped up and down. Sephiroth closed his eyes.

 _What is the point of this competition, I dare to ask myself..._ He thought then smirked sinisterly while he started to slowly stand up, aura of ultimate evilness surrounding him. _Oh yes, to get even with my failed clone, Cloud, for humiliating me not once, but twice..._ He started to cackle while his arms were outstretched on either side of him, just like the gesture he did when when he killed Aeris. Cloud however stared at him with an unimpressed look on his face.

 _This race is making everyone crazy... Fuck._

 **Zack VS Yuffie**

 **Yuffie wins**

A/N: last chapter will be the maim event. Oh and there were three different types of tracks in the original battle beach that's why Zack and Yuffie's challenge were different. Thanks for reading. :p


	3. Chapter 3

Zack was another addition for the unconscious bodies lying on beach towels while Yuffie was holding an ice pack unto her forehead, grinning widely at her victory. Sephiroth and Cloud slowly approached each other, the blonde stared coldly at the silver haired man while the said silver haired man was smirking at him. Cloud rolled his eyes inwardly in order not to break his 'cool guy glare'.

"This is... What I've been waiting for... Cloud..." The son of Jenova said slowly in his smooth, low voice. Cloud raised an eyebrow.

"Whatever..." Then he looked away to position himself at the starting line. Sephiroth chuckled then did the same. Cloud looked over to his left to see Tifa's unconscious form. His faced softened then hardened again.

 _I will avenge you Tifa..._ Then he thought with his eyes looking upward. _But from what exactly...?_ He thought again while he tilted his head to the side, his hands on his hips.

"Go Cloud! Woo!" Yuffie cheered while she clapped her hands. Cloud and Sephiroth looked at her direction. "I'm not gonna cheer for you Sephiroth because I fucking hate you!" She exclaimed by cupping her hands to her mouth. Sephiroth rolled his eyes. Cloud snorted.

"I don't need such nonsense." The silver haired man said firmly. Cloud chuckled.

"You're laughing now but we'll see who has... The last laugh..." Sephiroth said slowly which made Cloud scoff.

"I'm not intereste-"

"You're not going to use meteor rain on me... Are you.. Cloud?" He said again in his smooth voice that made Cloud look at him in disbelief.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He said with an angry glare. Sephiroth started laughing sinisterly, throwing his head back a little. _How dare he ask me about METEOR rain? The nerve of this guy._ Cloud thought angrily. Painful memories coming back which made him pout childishly.

(A/N: You can use their limit breaks on the game (the fighting one) including Cloud's Meteor rain. :p)

 **Cloud VS Sephiroth**

Their challenge was the same as Yuffie and Zack's, but at the finish line there will be a single red flag in the middle, first one to get it wins.

Cloud stared ahead with hard eyes while he did his running stance, Sephiroth kept it cool by just standing still. The whistle was blown and Cloud was first run forward while Sephiroth trailed behind him. Cloud chuckled to himself then jumped over his first log, Sephiroth then the same afterwards. They were both focused on the red flag up ahead.

 _I'm going to get it. It's mine._ Cloud thought while he jumped again, then suddenly, blue aura started to surround him which surprised Sephiroth, Yuffie who was munching on some chips, dropped her jaw to the floor which made some of the chips fall out from her mouth. Sephiroth's face hardened and this time, he was the one emitting a strange aura, though it was a black one, like smoke.

"I think you're on fire Sephiroth." Yuffie said casually while she overcame her initial shock, and started munching again. Sephiroth smirked on her remark.

"I'm on fire... Yes... I am..." He unconsciously said his thoughts out loud again which made Yuffie raise her eyebrows.

"No, I mean you look like that you're on fire, because you're smoking." She casually said again that pissed off the general but tried to ignore her and kept running.

 _That woman will be the death of me._ He thought in diaappointment. Cloud stopped on his tracks then he suddenly roared with laughter while he rested his hands on his knees. Sephiroth stopped with a confused look while Yuffie threw her hands in the air while she muttered 'are you kidding me' because the race suddenly stopped. There was no good match so far.

"What are you laughing at... Cloud...?" He asked slowly while Cloud clutched his stomach then wiped his eye.

"You seriously think that Yuffie was telling you that you were sexy?" He asked then laughed again which made Sephiroth's eye twitch.

 _But I am sexy... Atleast that was what my fans were telling me before..._ He shuddered when he thought about his male fans saying how hard and firm his muscles were. Then without warning, Cloud started to run again which surprised the general. Blue aura emitting again while Sephiroth's smoke like aura showed itself once again when he ran after him.

"This one's mine!" Cloud exclaimed as he jumped again over a log.

"Not this time... Cloud..." Sephiroth said slowly as he was now at level with Cloud. The blond started to yell on top of his lungs as he used all of his strenght and speed, his blue aura growing larger and larger, same goes with Sephiroth. Yuffie's eyes widened as he watched in slow motion how both of the males' hands reached forward to grab the flag, their hands was just inches away from the flag and each other when an explosion of white light happened, both Cloud and Sephiroth were thrown backwards, the general landed on his back on the sand while he stared ahead in the sky with a blank look, groaning as quietly as he can while Cloud landed on his unconscious friends sideways, his face straight into Zack's crotch while his feet was on Vincent's, the three passed out people all bolted up in both pain and surprise.

"SHIT!" Zack exclaimed as he tried to removed the unconscious Cloud's face away from his jewels while Vincent did the same with his feet. Tifa gasped.

"Oh Cloud! What have they done to you?!" She pulled Cloud's torso towards her which made it difficult for Zack and Vincent to push him away from them. Yuffie shook her head while she grinned, her hands on her hips.

"Marvelous, just marvelous." She said then she cackled. Sephiroth on the other hand started to slowly stand up, his head looking down, masamune suddenly in his hand out of nowhere which made Yuffie's grin disappear.

"Shit! He's gone coo-coo in the head again! RUN!" She yelled then started running away while screaming, Vincent stood up then grabbed Cloud to hung him in his shoulders then started running as well, Tifa trailing behind him. Sephiroth started to charge at them which made Zack stand up and charge back at the enraged man, he tackled Sephiroth which made them both release an 'oomf' sound and made them fall over, then they suddenly dissolved into green particles and disappeared. Yuffie, Vincent and Tifa stopped running while they catched their breaths, Vincent threw Cloud down like a heavy sack of rice like he was nothing which made Tifa yell at him.

"Vincent!" But the gunslinger didn't respond.

"Well atleast Zack saved the day." Yuffie said with a grin.

 **Cloud VS Sephiroth**

 **DRAW**

Meanwhile in the lifestream...

Zack, Sephiroth and Grimoire were having tea with Zack tapping his fingers on the table. it was extremely quiet before Sephiroth started to speak.

"Grimoire.. Your son-"

"Don't... Just don't..." Pleaded the older man.

A/N: Bonus, here is their character portraits for ehrgeiz: oi65 (d o t) tinypic (d o t) com / 2dcal3b (d o t) jpg just put the link together. Thanks for reading this goofiness. :p thanks for the reviews as well.


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